woman

An old woman dying in her old mans hand. Old man begs doctor for some help and says: -Please help,

What are you doing when you see a beautiful woman? I usually download it.

A 93 year old man sitting on the street, crying. A woman asks him, what’s wrong? The old man

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

A husband and wife were having breakfast. The husband was ensconced behind his morning paper."You had

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation during dinner:WOMAN: What would you do if I

What a Woman Says:"This place is a mess! C'mon,You and I need to clean up.Your stuff is lying on the

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking

A man walks into a bank,yells at the old lady at the teller window, he needs to open a "fuckin bank account".

A Man is carrying two babies, one in each arm. While waiting for a trainAlong come this woman and seeing

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.In the second year, the woman speaks

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:"Your

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what

Question : Ms. America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?Ms. America : Well, I can

An old man was sitting on a bench crying when a lady approached him and asked if she could help. The

When a woman is 18, she is a football - 22 men going after her.When she is 28, she is a hockey ball -

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly

St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes,

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter."What are you

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is sent to a hospital. While on the operating table, she

A newly married man asks his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?""Darling,"

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!"

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoys sex more. The man

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry,

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, the angel tells Ford,"Well, you've been such a good

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots,

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's.He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife,

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom

Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle.

Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days,

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk,

This is really embarrassing for the mother, do read on.This is a Singapore story (supposedly)... Hilarious!

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.She is half discovered, half wild.Between the ages

A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands preadlegged on the bathroom

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side.

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy. When

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts

An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking. "Sir,"

A trucker who has been out on the road for two

Two hicks from West Virginia got married and were

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register

There were three priests in a railroad station,

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

A man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket. ââ,¬Å"Iââ,¬â"¢ve

A woman visiting her doctorââ,¬â"¢s office

A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. ââ,¬Å"Doctor,ââ,¬Â

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man +

A drunk stumbles out of a bar one night and passes

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a

An old man and a old woman met at an retirement

One morning, a man got on an elevator on the fourth

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when

Q: What is every Amish woman's fantasy? A: Two

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide

Q: What does an old woman have that a young woman

Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?",

A woman wakes up one morning and open the blinds.

Three men are on a plane. The first one throws

There were five people on a crashing air plane.

James Bond walks intoa bar and takes a seat next

A Mexican walks into a bakery and asks, "Excuse

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front

What do you call a woman rolling around on the

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway. He

A man came home from work one day to find his wife

A woman and a baby were in the doctorââ,¬â"¢s

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St.

Three men had been stuck on an island for ten years. Just

An Amish woman and her son are walking through

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City. It's

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by

A woman wearing a strapless gown and sporting a

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How

A fat man is dancing at a disco, and he is approached

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving

When does a man ever get a good idea? When he's

There was an old couple sitting at a table. The

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

The Geography of a Woman Between the ages of

James was on the beach, and could not understand

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

What a woman says, what she really means... I

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident.

1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have

There was an American man that had an meeting in

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

A man and a woman are driving down the same road

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

There was this woman see, and she takes a lover

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A man is sitting in a pub, when a guy with an incredibly

A young mother was having a consultation with a

A guy was taking a new bus route for the first

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior

A woman arrives home from work and her husband

This woman owned two Dachshunds, a male and a female. A

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

Women got off the Titanic first. Women can scare

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

My answer to "What to do with Bin Laden?" Well,

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

Why does a woman pierce her belly button? So she

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

A woman goes to a plastic surgeon who specializes

A woman is at a doctor's office. She begs the

Gary Condit was on a sinking ship and everyone

What is grosser than gross? Having sex with a

What's the difference between a pregnant woman

A young man was walking through a supermarket to

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one

Knock knock Who's there? Katmandu Katmandu

A woman was visiting an Indian reservation one

A man was having an affair with a married woman.

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and

--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman"

One day two kids were wandering around near a stream.

How is woman's period different than the 2000 presidential

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless

Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor,

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

A Fairy Tale for the Woman of the New Millennium:Once

There once was a woman from France, Who did an

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon.

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman

A hillbilly is sitting in a bar, drinking, when

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw

Q: Why can you never trust a woman? A: How can

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find

1) The president is not in his/her office at this

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking

Two women, one from the north and one from the

What do you call a woman who works as hard as a

What's the difference between a fat woman and a

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously

This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical

A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse

One day, a woman comes out with a bunch of trash

An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench,

A woman and her husband go to the doctor because

Three hillbillies are sitting on a porch. One says,

Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman

One day three men were walking along and came upon

A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided

What's the difference between boiling water and

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating

Two guys are sitting next to each other on an airplane. "The

One evening, a man goes home after an unsuccessful

Q: What have working for the Mafia and fingering

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a

At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

God created earth, and it was good. Then God created

An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter

An elderly couple decided to celebrate their 50th

A man's occupation is to stick his cockulation

There were four fleas on a woman's thighs. Two

An old woman goes to the doctor's office. The doctor

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives

This letter was started by a woman, like yourself,

What did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman?

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother.

Q: What is the difference between a woman kneeling

There was a woman who had very small breasts and

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit

A redneck couple gets married and are on their

Why did the woman cross the road? Never mind

A man with an average handicap decides to play

A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant

Q: What is the difference between a woman and a

This guy goes to the doctors office and tells the

Two old friends, who hadn't seen each other in

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside. "5th and

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him. "You

An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The

What's the difference between a nun on her knees

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle

There was this guy that went to the doctor to get

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a

A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender if

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were

A woman went into a department store and told the

A woman goes to the local butcher to buy some meat

An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking. "Sir,"

One day there was a woman who was about to have

There was an older man who'd married a younger

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man

A woman goes to a doctor, and says, "Doctor I want

Q: How do you know when an Australian woman has

Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a lemon

There were three pregnant women sitting together.

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

What's the smartest thing that ever came out of

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

One night a Scottish couple took a walk through

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

There was a woman and her husband. They were happily

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a

There was an old lady and her dog who lived on

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive? She's

A market researcher called at a house and his knock

How do you make a woman's toes curl? Shag her

A little boy came home from school one day and

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her

After praying nonstop for eight years, God finally

An old man and an old woman were sitting together

Did you hear about the woman who was waging a war

A guy went to a whore house and asked the lady

What's the difference between a dog barking on

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A

A very old couple wanted to have children, so

A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing

How do you make a woman yell twice? Hump her butt

There was a guy on a golf course that he had never

Two lawyers are walking down the street, when a

One Sunday afternoon an older couple was listening

Q: What did the midget say to the tall woman? A:

A couple decides to get married, despite the fact

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

Three fans are walking to Fenway Park for the Red

Q: What is the difference between a woman with

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a

The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying

A woman was being raped by an escaped mental patient.

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs

An older single woman was shopping at the grocery

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman

This guy buys an old bottle at a yardsale. Upon

There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next

What do West Virginians call a pretty woman?

A woman goes to an ice cream parlor and asks for

One day in the city a bus driver was making his

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They

A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together

Two guys are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous

Q: How can you tell when a polish woman is done

How many men does it take to mop a floor?

What do you call a fat woman who likes men and

How many perverts does it take to put in a light

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on

Man who lay woman on ground have piece on earth.

An old woman walked into a bank and asked for the

A brunette is walking through the country, when

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and

Being a huge Elvis fan, a pretty, young woman strolled

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking.

How do you make a woman blind? Put a windshield

What do you call the spot between a woman's vagina

After World War II, an American soldier was going

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first

There were these two guys working late in a morgue,

Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and

It's the year 2389, and martian and earth couples

If a woman could change a man into any mammal,

A woman went to the doctor's and complained of

The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run

Did you know that you can get a woman pregnant

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get

George of the Jungle lived all alone in the jungle

One day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into

A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down.

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune

A couple had been married for many years, and their

So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that

A man is driving down the road and notices a car

Two residents at a nursing home became good friends.

Three guys were in a bar and they heard a woman

What do you call the space between a woman's breasts

What is the difference between a woman a pool

Woman: Can I get Viagra here? Pharmacist: Yes.

There were three women sitting at a bar, talking

Two guys die in a car accident and an angel descends

One day, there's a man and his wife driving along

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study

A woman had been married so many times she was

How is a woman like a condom? She spends more

A young woman experienced car trouble late one

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out

One night a man walked into a bar with a brown

Woman: I have a problem. Doctor: Well, are you

A woman comes into a hardware store. "May I help

3 Irish monks have passed all tests, except for

(which in our society means over 25) An older

Three women were at the doctor's office for the

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through

Three men were walking down a street and found

One day, a man walks into a whorehouse and says,

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says

Why did the woman cross the road? Who knows?

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates,

If a man says something in the woods and no woman

A boy comes home one day and runs up to his mom.

If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move

A married couple was walking down the street when

A very thirsty guy realizes that he's just walked

How much calcium is in a woman's breast? Enough

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

This guy is having an affair with a married woman

Q. How do you make a woman pick cotton? A.

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

How's a casino like a woman? Liquor in the front,

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.

A woman goes over to her married son's house and

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina 10.

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

Q: What do a woman and a tornado have in common?

A young boy walks into a whore house dragging a

How can you tell the difference between a snowman

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to

There once was a very distraught woman, who was

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

There once was a woman who had a boyfriend that

One sunny Saturday morning, the first of a twosome

There was a woman who was interested in getting

A man was selling his brand-new luxury car for

There were these two vampires talking. One says

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers.

Q: A smart blond, Santa and a pregnant woman are

A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced

A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A woman was engaged to get married. She had never

An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only

A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any

Knock knock Who's there? Katmandu Katmandu

There was this woman who wanted bigger boobs. So

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends.

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

Two golfers meet on the same golf course, on the

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at

A woman walks in to a tattoo parlor and tells the

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

One day, there was a man sitting on a bus. Since

This priest was driving to his church when he saw

A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after

What a woman says: This place is a mess! C'mon,

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are

A long time ago, a cowboy was captured by the Indians.

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at

One day an old man and his wife were sitting in

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room

A typical macho man married typical good-looking

A young woman walks into an adult book store and

A man was sitting next to a very attractive woman

Man who stick face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

A woman walks into a gynecologist's office for

This man decided that on his birthday he was going

A beautiful middle aged woman finally decided to

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be

A man and woman had a son but when he was born

Superman was flying around the city and was super

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to

One day there were two boys playing by a stream

One night, a man with no voice and his friend went

Q: What do you call a woman with no asshole?

A lady went to a plastic surgeon to see what he

Why does it take longer to build a snowman than

Two women are digging in the garden. One pulls

A masked man walks in to a sperm bank, pulls a

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

Why did God create man before woman? He

How can you tell the difference between a woman

Zeus and Thor are up on Mt. Olympus and Thor is

What's the difference between a microwave and a

What did the woman do when she found out that her

Once upon a time there were three men lost in a

A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the

Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?

Three nuns die, but they all have to answer one

A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a

What do you say to a woman with no arms and no

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the

A blonde woman and a red-headed woman are taken

What are the three biggest lies a woman will tell?

What's the similarity between a woman and dog poop?

How do you know when a man's going to say something

Last 10 Things a Man Would Say: 10. I think Barry

A man was sitting on a bus looking ashamed. The

Why doesn't a woman need a car? Because you

What sexual position should a woman use to make

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit

How do you make a woman's brain the size of a pea?

What do you give the woman who has everything?

One night, a cabbie was driving through the streets

A cowboy was riding through an old abandoned canyon

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

Three women were sitting around talking about their

A woman walks into a store and asks the pharmacist

Jimmy White walks into a bar and orders a beer,

A man and a woman meet in a hospital donation clinic.

A man walked into work on Monday with two black

A nurse was on duty in the emergency department,

These three guys are out having a relaxing day

Two old people hit it off at a singles bar. After

''I would like to see a woman dentist,'' said the

A dwarf and a normal woman met at a party. The

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet

A Russian couple were walking down a street in

This is actually a true story that happened to

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful

What do you call a 900 pound woman with a yeast

A football player walked into a motel on a rainy

Q: What's the difference between a beer and a woman?

A woman went camping and while she was out she

A young deaf-mute couple got married. At first

A couple has just finished having sex. They ALWAYS

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman

Element: Woman Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam

One day an old man and his wife were sitting in

There were three extremely poor men. They were

A preacher's wife was contemplating what she

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

There was a woman who got married. Her husband

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but

Three college students were in England and were

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?

How do you know if a woman is ticklish? Give

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were

One day a new vacuum salesman is going door-to-door

Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use

A newlywed couple were on their honeymoon and were

There was an old lady walking down the streets

Chauvinist pig: a guy who hates every bone in a

A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

There's a woman that has a big problem when it

Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can

A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp

Woman: Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make

Did you hear about the woman who has five legs?

When is a woman above a man? When the kitchen

A man in a hotel lobby accidentally bumps a woman

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when

A man who always plays golf sees a beautiul woman

Bill Clinton went to Africa and, when he got back,

Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's

Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy

Why are men like blenders? Every woman has

A man and a woman met in an elevator. ''Where are

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman

What's the difference between a woman and dog at

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't —

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by

Q. What is the definition of "making love?" A:

You might be a redneck if you think a woman who

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the

In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied

What a woman says: “This place is a mess!

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training

A man was walking through a wealthy neighborhood

A married man goes to confessional and tells the

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

    An elderly woman entered a large

A couple took their young son for his first visit

A young woman with small breasts buys a finely carved

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married! *

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess: I have

    White House staffers were perplexed

A milkman was delivering on his round when he came

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping.

The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old

An old man and woman were married for years, even

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted

Q: What do a woman, a tornado and a hurricane have

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist.

A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane.

A panda walks into a bar. He sits down, and asks

It was mailman George's last day on the job after

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing

Two engineering students were walking across campus

A WOMAN'S GUIDE WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING WHILE

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

A woman going through the change of life went to

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and

A family was having some people to dinner. At

Two men are on opposite sides of the earth. One

   As you grow older, what lost

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Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly

    A woman walks into her accountant's

After several years of serving the church in a

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly

A women desperately looking for work goes into

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and

This is from an actual trial in the UK.    

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

    A few months ago, there was

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens

A young lady was standing in front of a shoe store

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather

    A businessman boards a flight

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and

    A trucker who had driven his

    One day, a man named Tony died.  

    A young reporter once covered

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

    Four old Catholic women are

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

    Marol spent her wedding night

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch

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Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day

    William and Mildred were married

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange

    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting

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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached

A man and a woman who have never met before find

    A woman was at work when a man

Two church members were going door to door, and

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

1. In the company of females, intercourse

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween

    A sixty-four-year-old man is

    For all you guys out there who

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A woman came up behind her husband while he was

10. The quicker picker upper! 9. One a day,

    The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly

A married couple was in a terrible accident where

In 1993, the American Government funded a study

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's

A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she

Find out what those dating terms really mean ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

An old man was in his golden years, but that didn't stop him from trying to pick up the younger ladies. He

A brash young man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gives

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says:

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black

During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

Woman's Quote of the Day: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

A man and his wife were working in their garden 1 day and the man looks over at his wife and says

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit,

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But decides, what the heck,"

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

This is a true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper Cty, SC Sheriff's Office. An elderly

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was,

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was in the examination room for his

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. #9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

As You May Already Know, It Is A Sin For A Taliban Male To See Any Woman Other Than His Wife Naked

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed. "I feel horrible,

Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last

Running Doe, a young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that

Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best... find a woman with whom he may

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with

A very disheveled, unattractive, profoundly obese, smelly, mean acting, nasty in EVERY sense of the

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment,

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"? The

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards

Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in rat-infested motels, and speak Russian.

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo. $800/month

When a woman wears leather clothing: A man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, and

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

A man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very

Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Lucrecia, was

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards

A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says,

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, a blonde, a brunette and

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL,

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as

This is a true story.. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car,

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He

A Man And A Young Beautiful Woman Are Engaging In A "Romantic Affair" In The Lovely Young Womans Bedroom.

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Haven't

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory's

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

She married and had 11 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again,

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild,

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says.

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

Three old Italian spinsters die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

Thought you might enjoy this message I received from one of my more politically oriented friends.....

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new

What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you see the

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin,

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband. "After you put poison in the

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling

A cab driver pulled up at a stop sign near Central Park in New York. A stark naked woman jumped out

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON'T

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2.

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come

Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained,

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had

A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!! B... WINDOWS Woman:

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck,

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table,

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised,

Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney. "Sidney,

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV

Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it's time we

A little country boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine and just shaking it all up;

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume

Maria, an Italian woman was extrememly religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because

This is why God invented menopause....... With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor. "Doctor I think I

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day,

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.

Two women get on an elevator. The first woman reeks of perfume and the second says, "What's that

A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the

I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there

A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal. "What's your dog's name?"

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only

A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West.

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band,

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So,

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost." The

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path

The neighbour dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife

Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman ran across the fairway and into

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms. The druggist

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a

A blonde was listening to Two men at a party talking about the recent space program. not wanting to

A reporter was doing a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour. 'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist. 'Why of course!' 'Good.

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:

There was a typical blond. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist,

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should

A gorgeous young woman gets into a taxi one day. On the way, the cabby asks her, "Hey baby, would

There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate

Four catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest.

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of

One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He

Through the center of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife

A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asked,

Back in the early 80's Chevy Chase was one of the stars on Password. Toward the end of the game this

This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy. A blonde woman walks into an auto

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates,

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They

A brunette went to the doctors. "Doctor," she said. "Help me. I hurt all over." "Sit down," said

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony,

A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says, "Do you wanna

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am,

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car.

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about

Two men were working on top of a building. Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do,

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dog is

A woman is becoming increasingly worried that she might never find a mate. She wonders if there is

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her

A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on

A man came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the

Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" "What's a license???"

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she

A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are

A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door. "Can

There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous,

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. The

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"