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US Presidential nominee Barack Obama may have beaten Hillary Clinton but he has lost a Gmail id by his

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation during dinner:WOMAN: What would you do if I

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything

A man walks into a bank,yells at the old lady at the teller window, he needs to open a "fuckin bank account".

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote,

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.She protested, "But we don't

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did.Before

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?""I

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly

A newly married man asks his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?""Darling,"

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses,

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry,

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same

PPO = Preferred Provider OrganizationHMO = Health Maintenance OrganizationThe Queen of England was visiting

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother.""Daddy

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

John was talking to his fiancée, Rebecca, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"To

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed

In a small airplane there were four people: the pilot, the Pope, Bill Gates and a hitchhiker. They were

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes,

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

1. How many trarlokks does it take to trokkclap

How many stoners does it take to screw in a light

I just want to call attention to the fact that

10. Wanna come play on my slip and slide? 9.

There were three priests in a railroad station,

Worldââ,¬â"¢s thinnest books 20. BEAUTY

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the

A firefighter is working on the engine outside

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators

Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

Bush's mother prayed fervently that GW would grow

There was a man who had worked all of his life,

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks

A man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket. ââ,¬Å"Iââ,¬â"¢ve

A motorcycle cop pulled over a Lamborghini Diablo

A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist

A woman visiting her doctorââ,¬â"¢s office

Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in

A taxi pulls up to a church and picks up a nun.

An old man and a old woman met at an retirement

One day a man walks into a tatoo parlor and tells

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked,

A zebra went up to the zookeeper and said, "Am

Little Mary always fell asleep at Sunday school

A blonde and a brunette are in a bar. As they order

There were five people on a crashing air plane.

Little gay Johnny asks Billy, "If you went camping

There were three astronauts an American, a Russian,

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on

Martin Scorscese is interviewing three action heros

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when

How do you know the Toothbrush was invented by

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St.

It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery

Adam was in the Garden of Eden feeling lonely when

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama

In school one day, the teacher decided that in

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't

Once there was a blonde who wanted to prove to

Yo mama so ugly ,the tide wouldn't even take her

Yo mama so ugly, that when she wore Pepper Jack

A sailor walked into a bar with a small head. The

Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to

A guy walks into a coffee shop and sees President

Saddam Hussein and George Bush are seated next

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party.

This week, the Bush administration finally released

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

An executive was stessed out. He had to fire one

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and

If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

A drunken man walks into a pub. Curious about the

One day Saddam Hussein was walking in the desert

A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

What a woman says, what she really means... I

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

At a news conference, a journalist said to the

There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book.

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting

What would be the difference between a dead rabbit

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

A man and a woman are driving down the same road

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young,

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the

In a city park stood two statues, one female and

The real reason the administration doesn't want

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city.

Three couples went to see a minister to find out

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

According to a news report, a certain private school

Little David comes home from first grade and tells

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview

The England team's training session was delayed

A snail is walking down the road, when all of a

A man was nervously pacing around the waiting room

An English professor told her students that there

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found

Men can't pack a bag. Men wouldn't be caught dead

What did Harry Potter do when he found the three-headed

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? What

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced

My answer to "What to do with Bin Laden?" Well,

What would you find on bin Laden's penis? Camel

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

A husband and wife were lying in bed together one

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

He meets Satan, who says, "You are supposed to

A Syrian guy walked into a cafe. He sees a Lebanese

You're so ugly, when you were born, the doctor

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star

Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck,

How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far

A young man was walking through a supermarket to

A French maid was tidying up for a wealthy computer

10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your

Cinderella was having her period and couldn't go

On the first day of school, a teacher asked her

Q. Why did Pepsi hire Britney Spears to do their

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor

A man from Atlanta moved to New York. As he wandered

--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman"

One day two kids were wandering around near a stream.

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks

1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning

A polish guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor,

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly

The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing

A blonde walked into her final exam very nervous.

1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor,

Three couples went in to see the minister about

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call,

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and

There once was a woman from France, Who did an

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would fart.

A mother goes to visit her daughter. She walks

There once was this group of strange beings called

There was this nouveau riche blond girl, who went

A man walked into an ice cream shop... Man: I'd

Yo Mama is so fat, that if she rode her bike across

A couple had been married for a long time, but

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

Did you know the toothbrush was invented in West

Three explorers were hiking through a vast forest

The preacher stood before the congregation. ''Brothers

Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as

A man had a habit of buying things immediately

Paddy 'n' Mick join the army, and are put on street

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were

There was a cowboy riding down a trail on his horse

One day, a little boy was peeing in a public restroom

Q: Why is it a good idea to tattoo a $100 bill

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it

Why wouldn't JFK make a good boxer? He can't take

So, a gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the

Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees

The king of a small African nation had an elegant

One day the king of a fairly large country was

Once upon a time, there was a king who thought

Two guys are sitting next to each other on an airplane. "The

A virgin boy turns 18, and asks his dad for money

If a farmer was only able to choose between buying

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack

A blonde working in the coffin industry was thinking

Q: Why did cavemen drag cave women by the hair

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved,

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school.

5. Does this look infected to you? 4. Would

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells

One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the

One Friday night in San Fransisco, a man hops a

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking

A man with an average handicap decides to play

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter

There once was a toad that was excluded from all

The Pope walked into a car dealership one day to

A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled

A man left his cat with his brother while he went

These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander,

10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel

One day, a man went into the doctor because he

A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the

If your brains were a fart, there wouldn't be enough

Bob was joining the army and they were handing

One Sunday, a priest asked one of the church janitor

A young hillbilly always went out to the barn to

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

Q. What would the world be like without women? A.

Christmas was just around the corner, and a father

There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy,

"God," said Adam, "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?" "So

A small north Florida wild animal park had acquired

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by

A woman went into a department store and told the

I was walking home when I noticed a couple of robins

There was a guy driving down the road when he ran

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he

What would you call an Arab who owns a harem of

One day there was a woman who was about to have

There was an older man who'd married a younger

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack.

1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 2. The

What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?

During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over

If your ass was any more jiggly, Bill Cosby would

12. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely,

A kid was late for school one day. "I had to take

There was a woman and her husband. They were happily

A lawer just got home from work. As he stepped

There was an old lady and her dog who lived on

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to

The taxi driver picks up a nun. After a little

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called

One day, Farmer Brown went behind his barn and

A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding

One day a government worker was digging through

Once there was a blonde who really needed some

A farmer had just bought some pigs for breeding,

Every morning a man drives to the dock, and every

A bald man with one leg wanted to go to a fancy

"When you getting married to your girlfriend?" "I

One day a teacher went into her class room and

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job.

A modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at

A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar,

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

A couple has been married for 50 years. One day

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

What are the blonde's first words after 4 years

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

10) Who the hell Begets anymore? 9) Memo to Adam:

The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying

A young man wished to purchase a present for his

Two rednecks were sitting on their porch one afternoon

Why wouldn't the members of N'Sync join the cast

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of

There was this guy who always went out drinking

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work

A newspaper reporter went to interview an old man

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was

If I wanted any lip from you, I would jiggle my

A man notices a peculiar rash on his chest. The

One day there was a big lady swimming at the beach

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home

The European Union commissioners have announced

One day, a pod of whales was swimming along when

An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs,

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on

Little Joey was sitting in the back of class rubbing

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash

One day while at the White House, the maid was

One upon a time there was a town with a new church

If I had one cricket ball in one hand, and another

There were these two bums and they were hungry

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil offers to

Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.

If a woman could change a man into any mammal,

"Jimmy," says the teacher, "what would happen if

Mike Tyson finally apologized to Holyfield for

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

There once was a captain of a ship, and everyday

A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep

Dear Santa: You must be surprised that I am writing

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday

1. Is it any coincidence that your blouse matches

A city girl was driving back to town after attending

Two residents at a nursing home became good friends.

Three guys were in a bar and they heard a woman

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

A reverend was walking in a big city park, when

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone,

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church

A man had a very small penis, so he went to a witch

A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme

One day, a little boy asks his father what the

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone.

One day this little girl's dad came home and she

A guy was riding down the road when he saw a

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last

Why did the stoplight turn red? You would turn

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad

Three women were at the doctor's office for the

Nuns where repainting their chapel. They kept getting

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was

After an overnight flight to meet my father at

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons.

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

A couple went to church every week, but every

Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who

Time magazine sent a survey to women in Arkansas,

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?

This guy with a really small head walks into a

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

There were three southern belles that were sisters,

Mother Superior called a young novice into her

A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it

In a small town in California there lived two boys,

What would a female president's husband be called?

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You

The was a man named George who got a new job.

There was this little boy who had no name. One

Three men were on a road trip. their car broke

There was a lady at a bar. Every time she wanted

One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

It was flooding in California. As the flood waters

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the

A man walking along the beach finds a magic lamp

A lucky Aggie once won the lottery for $20,000,000

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.

One day this Preacher decided that he would skip

At the nursing home, Abe and Edna had struck up

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina 10.

Has anyone ever said to you, ''Do you know Jack

There once was a man with a bald head and a pegleg

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

One day, on a trip to the Grand Canyon, three rednecks

After working out in the gym, Bill, a gay man was

It was the day after Thanksgiving and all thru

Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very

There once was a very distraught woman, who was

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

A Cork, Ireland radio station was holding an on-air

Q: Why don't the girls in San Francisco wear miniskirts?

Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in

There once was a woman who had a boyfriend that

There was a man who would come home blind drunk

This is a true story about a recent wedding that

One sunny Saturday morning, the first of a twosome

There were 3 basketball players, one each from

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death

A biker had been injured in an accident and was

There was this Indian chief who was straining to

There was once a pair of high school sweethearts.

If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart

One day a group of husbands and wives went to a

A teacher was having a tasting day where she would

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill,

This old guy goes into a church in a small town

Q: Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?

If someone says "fuck you," just simply reply,

Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on

1. See how many teenage boys you can gather by

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced

Q: Why did the stoner cross the road? A: Who

Three nuns used to go to the church from their

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food. CHECKOUT LADY:

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

If a blonde could be any fish, what fish would

If gas were brains you wouldn't be able to power

Do you know what would be sick? If you sat in

Since Pope John Paul is getting up in age the Vatican

Why did God create brunettes? So ugly men

In a Bangkok dry-cleaner's shop: Drop your trousers

Once there lived a mother who had two sons who

There were three men who got stranded on an island.

There was this woman who wanted bigger boobs. So

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

Two golfers meet on the same golf course, on the

A woman walks in to a tattoo parlor and tells the

Question: If you went to a party and woke up with

If an electric train is heading north, which way

Your'e so poor that if you didn't have a hard on

A man is having terrible headaches, he can't stand

One day an old man and his wife were sitting in

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state

A young woman walks into an adult book store and

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on

A young man fell in a pit one day and found a magic

A man was stranded on an island for two years,

A drunk guy is telling a bartender how much he

There was once an old pheasant who was chatting

There was a guy walking down the street in San

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right

A biology class student conducted an experiment

There was a man who was drivivng down the road

One day there were two boys playing by a stream

One night, a man with no voice and his friend went

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they

A blonde went to go get her haircut wearing pair

This blonde gets pulled over by a cop, who walks

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

A minister wound up the services one morning by

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a condom.

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one

Once upon a time there were three men lost in a

A guy is drinking in a bar, and the bartender asks

Last 10 Things a Man Would Say: 10. I think Barry

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden

Why did God give women arms? Do you have any

A Mismatched Pair of Gloves A young man wished

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they

Why isn't the Queen's vagina on a stamp? Would

Why don't men trust or understand women? Who

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

Two guys are in mental instituition. One guy

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

A woman walks into a store and asks the pharmacist

If I put my penis in your ear would you hear me

An elderly couple decided to take a cruise to spice

Two old people hit it off at a singles bar. After

Every day two blonde women would come out of work

There are approximately two billion children (persons

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were asked

A guy who has a stuttering problem says to his

''I would like to see a woman dentist,'' said the

These two friends are about to go to a club. One

This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday

A blonde was telling a brunette that her computer

What's the difference between the Atlantic Coast

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples

Two guys were working for the city. One would

10. That shirt is very becoming on you. Then again

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana.

A guy enters a bar and he finds a friend of his.

There was a successful doctor who had an office

A grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and

One time at a local golf course three shitty players

One day, three flies were sitting in a garbage

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented

Q: Why is a fire truck red? A: If someone

John went on vacation to Helopisa. As soon as he

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and

A young deaf-mute couple got married. At first

One day while a wife was working in the kitchen,

A Russian guy was walking down the street when

Bloke: Would you shag me for a million pounds? Bird:

This one girl walks into a grocery store and asks

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer,

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers

I know I haven't known you for a very long time,

If it weren't for the olives in martinis, yo' mama

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr.

A blonde goes into a world wide message center

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

Why is a blonde's top speed 68 mph? Because

There is this couple, and the wife is very self

There once was a boy who named Odd. A lot of people

There's a guy and a lady sitting on the porch.

Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following?:

Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island.

Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood, and Bill

If assholes could fly, this place would be an

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot

A telemarketer was trying to make a particularly

Why are there no fertility clinics in Arkansas?

An atomic bomb went off in Washington and everyone

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's

I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He

To my darling wife: During the past year,

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

One day this man says to his wife, "Lets take a

The following are a sampling of REAL answers

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

Did you know that someone from West Virginia invented

Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This

A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

Where would you learn how to make ice cream?

Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree,

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

There was a young country boy who was very bright.

A businessman was about to go on a long business

One day little Bill was playing in the sand out

What would it take to reunite the Beatles? Two

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided

A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere

How come only forty percent of women go to heaven?

Three men heard rumors of a mountaintop where God

A married man visits a sex therapist because he

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away

Did you know that there are 265 bones in the human

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty

A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

This guy is takin' a leak in a public restroom

One day a farmer was sitting around with one of

Once there were two best friends, named Fred and

A man once asked Gandhi what he thought of western

Q: What did Ms. Lewinsky allegedly say when offered

If ugliness was a record, yo mama would go triple

Women in Washington D.C. were asked if they would

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion,

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married! *

Two couples were playing cards.  John accidentally

At a southern university, students in the psychology

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess: I have

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping.

The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old

    This is an actual job application

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad 2)

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

'You Were an Accident' 'Strangers Have the Best

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane.

It was mailman George's last day on the job after

Three engineering students were gathered together

Two engineering students were walking across campus

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city

How did we know that Monica would testify? Because

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory. St. Peter

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

      AT&T fired President John

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and

A family was having some people to dinner. At

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Tiger Woods     A couple were on

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,

It seems there was two brothers by the same name

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A young couple were married and they were having

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly

Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

This is from an actual trial in the UK.    

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

A cowboy was passing by a ranch and decided to

    A few months ago, there was

A young lady was standing in front of a shoe store

There was this couple who had been married for

In the human body, which organ is in charge? All

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that

    One day, a man named Tony died.  

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION:

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom

    Marol spent her wedding night

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch

'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White

It has long been rumored that W. R. Grace Co. was

Three friends die in a car accident and they

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and

I did not do it in a car I did not do it

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider

    Psychologists have discovered

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload

A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a

    A young man just got a new job

    Stupid people should have to

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to

An executive was in a bind. He had to get rid

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose

A few clowns short of a circus.Ã, Ã, 

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband.

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

    Every night after dinner, Merle

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

Two church members were going door to door, and

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN

Those who have it would be devastated if it

It is near the end of the school year.  The

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found

    'Twas the night before Christmas

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.

Run one lap around the office at top speed

A judge was punishing three men because they had

Ã, Ã, Ã,  Reaching the end of a job interview,

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

John invited his mother over for dinner. During

Three couples went in to see the minister to see

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find

During WW II an American soldier had been on the

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's

Our Rights: The following was written by State

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard,

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling

From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

A married couple was in a terrible accident where

Dear __________________________,    

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

The wedding date was set and the groom's three

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job

    Dear Son,    

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female crew member took the

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was

Irish greyhound racing authorities have banned trainers from giving dogs the anti-impotence drug Viagra

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all

I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university.

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight,

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

The psychiatrists were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes. "Just to establish

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year

That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it? I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and

Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly

A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who had

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House." He

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

An 87 year old man is celebrating his birthday with all the members of his family at the Old Folks

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol

An Englishman A Scotsman and an Irishman are all setting in a bar in New York discussing about how

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had

This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lion jersey and carrying a little dog that also has a Lion jersey

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor

A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave

A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was in the examination room for his

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the

Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place

Mark and Paul stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter Of water each day, at the end

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long 15. If I Can't Be

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out

There was a church down in Southwest Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first

The owner of a golf course in Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

welve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row,

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor

Davie walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Davie walks over and asks Norm

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers." "Is there an airport nearby

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey. As they

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early

During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit. 9. She's been wearing an engagement ring

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner

Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best... find a woman with whom he may

If you had bought $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron,

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment,

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

Father: Why don't you get yourself a job? Son: Why? Father: So you could earn some money. Son:

On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right,"

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to

A couple, both bonafide Red necks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend.

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with

Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C. Dear Sir, My friend, Buba Peterson,

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

A survey was conducted by asking women of what they thought of their ass. 85% of women said that

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. You are

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?" He

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The

- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? - For the longest time I lived with a

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared

Two fellows from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.He found a saleslady, and told

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything-under-one-roof" department

The power mower was broken and wouldn't run. A lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble.

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told

A wife reports, My Husband, not happy with my mood swings so he bought me a mood ring the other day

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and

10. Your top player scores 20 points a game, but most of them are in the wrong basket. 9. You spend

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are supposed

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders

Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Haven't

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged,

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks,

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT: 1. Elvis is dead. 2.

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked

PARIS HILTON CALLS FOR END TO SWIFT BOAT FLAP Says It's drawing Attention Away From Her Hotel

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young

World's thinnest Books available at a bookstore near you. FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac HOW

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon,

A lawyer is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful women sits down next to him. The lawyer

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a doctor, one was a lawyer, and one was a biker.

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything

Two 90 yr. old men decided to go to there local whore house one more time before it was to late. They

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique

Played a round of golf with the local course pro for some helpful tips. After playing the first

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come

Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes,

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer

A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be? one

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Never take life seriously.

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you. 2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 3. Well,

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called

man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told

Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled,

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

3 contractors are in a bar after work enjoying a cold one, when a truck crashes into the bar killing

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time

If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it's time we

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question,

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of

Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get

This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor. "Doctor I think I

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing

Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200,"

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been

Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad,

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4.

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple

*A few clowns short of a circus *A few fries short of a Happy Meal *An experiment in Artificial Stupidity *A

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all,

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake! Caddy: Think you can keep your head down

God and Adam are talking in the Garden of Eden one day and God asks "How are you doing?" Adam replies

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says,

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo

Bill Clinton took a jog near his new home in Chappaqua. And on each run, he happened to jog past a

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West.

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey --

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band,

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members),

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. Describing

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks,

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with

A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" ---- Hannibal Lecter "I would rather have a

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower.

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

There was a typical blond. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist,

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

One day a nice young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married. They had

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady

Blonde Boater A True Story Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an

Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "you have no idea what

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered,

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she

A gorgeous young woman gets into a taxi one day. On the way, the cabby asks her, "Hey baby, would

There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally

A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6:00 news when a story came up about a man who was threatening

There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the

Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,Mr. Smith called him into his office.He

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will

A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asked,

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started

This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy. A blonde woman walks into an auto

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing

Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it a genie

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators,

An Annapolis computer science major was given an artificial intelligence assignment for one of his

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony,

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a

A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

Felix from the odd couple went on a ballon ride. He did not have enough hot air and crashed in a remote

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car.

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend - "My bride

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the

Two men were working on top of a building. Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do,

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her

A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on

A mafia Don was golfing with two golf associates: a deaf man and his interpreter lawyer. Since the

A man came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there

"I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash,"

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone

A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door. "Can

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and