years

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

US Presidential nominee Barack Obama may have beaten Hillary Clinton but he has lost a Gmail id by his

This guy and this girl have been married for about 25 years and there sex just wasent happening anymore.

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg."Well Doc," said

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and

A young couple goes to visit an old couple for dinner. The old husband tells his wife "My beloved angel,

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

mom: "wake up son, it's time for you to go to school."son: "but mom, i don't wanna go to school."mom:

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is sent to a hospital. While on the operating table, she

A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who,

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.As the couple reflected on

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard

TEACHER: Why are you late?WEBSTER: Because of the sign.TEACHER: What sign?WEBSTER: The one that says,

"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

A technology firm was looking for a new computer

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush

A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

Worldââ,¬â"¢s thinnest books 20. BEAUTY

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York

Nervous Taxi Driver A passenger in a taxi leaned

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front

Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

While going through his wifeââ,¬â"¢s dresser

A blonde was working on a puzzle. After ten hard

Three men had been stuck on an island for ten years. Just

Person 1: Did you know saddam has a bounty on his

Q. What''s the difference between George W. Bush

There was an old couple sitting at a table. The

10. For your birthday, you get the head of an infidel

1. "You get this round and the next round is on

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and

Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

One day Saddam Hussein was walking in the desert

The American Dairy Association was so successful

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

"Ahhh! It's Yoda's little friend you seek!" "Nerrrm.

In a city park stood two statues, one female and

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

Senior citizens are riddled with AIDS! ...hearing

Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so

Both have been called "the greatest enemy of men" Think

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job.

Next on Entertainment Tonight, celebrity birthdays:

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with

George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One

JENNA'S PREDICAMENT Do we really wonder why Jenna

Bush is my shepherd I shall not lie He leadeth

Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

1. Always looks like he's pledging allegiance.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless

Possible Courses: ESSENTIALS OF BONG DESIGN: Discover

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll

What is the top prize in the Blonde Lottery? 20

I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices

A man is in court for murder and the judge says,

An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter

What's the difference between a pimple and a priest?

An old man went into a pharmacy and asked for two

Two old friends, who hadn't seen each other in

One day, a man went into the doctor because he

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing

A couple were driving to a church to get married.

From: General Manager To: Departmental

A 55-year old man, who was born on May 5th, has

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

After praying nonstop for eight years, God finally

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway.

One Sunday afternoon an older couple was listening

A couple has been married for 50 years. One day

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

What are the blonde's first words after 4 years

A missionary has spent years teaching agriculture

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding

There was a man named Benny who loved to take

One day while at the White House, the maid was

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon,

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair

One day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking

A man who was having heart trouble went to the

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their

A couple had been married for many years, and their

So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that

Two hicks brought home a puzzle one day, and sat

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study

(which in our society means over 25) An older

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

Mother Superior called a young novice into her

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

A lucky Aggie once won the lottery for $20,000,000

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.

A blonde came home from school one day and said

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right

Grandma & Grandpa are sitting on the porch, when

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting

Lincoln and JFK started politics 100 years apart.

There was this man who really had to go to the

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail

There was this couple that had twins and they couldn't

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

Two golfers meet on the same golf course, on the

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts

An old wizard was walking through a park when he

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

A man was stranded on an island for two years,

A drunk guy is telling a bartender how much he

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta? Oh,

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

A lady went to a plastic surgeon to see what he

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

According to the latest issue of Nature Biotechnology,

A guy is drinking in a bar, and the bartender asks

Why did Senator Hillary Clinton decide run for

There once was a man named Joe and he was talking

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

There are approximately two billion children (persons

The privacy partition in the confessional booth

A couple has just finished having sex. They ALWAYS

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman

A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years

A couple has been together for thirty years and

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married

There is this couple, and the wife is very self

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but

There once was a boy who named Odd. A lot of people

A Hillbilly family's only son had saved up money

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she

A couple was getting ready to go out to celebrate

There once a man who worked in a pickle factory.

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the

Q: What's the difference between your wife and

3 Stages of Sex: 1. House Sex - When you are newly

Did you hear about the Alabama Lottery? You can

Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island

A couple, who had been married for years, were

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when

Your mama so fat, she's been married for 20 years

Yo mama is so fat that when she was diagnosed with

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

    Three blokes enter a disabled

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat

An old man and woman were married for years, even

    This is an actual job application

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years.

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

A visiting professor at the University of Montana

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

What are the best 10 years of a blonde's life? Third

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000

It was mailman George's last day on the job after

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first

These two guys meet after not having seen each

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

   As you grow older, what lost

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

    For the first time in many years,

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful,

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."    

After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn

After several years of serving the church in a

A male whale and his mate were swimming around

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and

Are you considering having children? To determine

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed

There was this couple who had been married for

A man who was a little slow was visiting his wife

    One day, a man named Tony died.  

    Marol spent her wedding night

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and

    William and Mildred were married

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister

A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime,

    A herd of buffalo can only move

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday

It is near the end of the school year.  The

"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's

Microsoft's Latest Venture    

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron

A judge was punishing three men because they had

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

Ã, Ã, Ã,  Reaching the end of a job interview,

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

1)  A Guide to Arab Democracies 2) 

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly

In 1993, the American Government funded a study

God created the mule, and told him, "You

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady

Dear employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are

An old man was in his golden years, but that didn't stop him from trying to pick up the younger ladies. He

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old

Creation vs Evolution has been settled! A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, "surely I Can't Look

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had

This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lion jersey and carrying a little dog that also has a Lion jersey

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was,

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly,

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000. 9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs

The AMA and NZMA has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his

In a small town in alabama, joe bob decides it's time for his cousin, 19 year-old Billy Bob, to learn

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor

REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM FOR SO. CAL. NAME______________________________ GANG

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

Subject: Story with a Moral Story with a Moral In 1923, Who Was: 1. President of the largest steel

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment,

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

It's out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're A redneck when......" 1. You take your dog for

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at

Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C. Dear Sir, My friend, Buba Peterson,

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes

I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability

Well after all the witch hunts over the years by the French trying to prove he was using illegal substances.....they

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking

Mrs. Shapiro, the Matchmaker, goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Cohen,

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

1. What does the average Iowa player get on his SAT's? Drool. 2. What do you get when you put 32

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back,

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL,

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

A guy, holding a duck under his arm, walks up to his wife and says: "This is the pig I've been screwing

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They

World's thinnest Books available at a bookstore near you. FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac HOW

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon,

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2.

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His brother

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition,

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you. 2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 3. Well,

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 18 year old Billy Bob, to

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table,

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney. "Sidney,

My wife of 14 years is convinced she has Mad Cow disease... ... After all, she had a fast food taco

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found

It's even hotter than usual in Phoenix, 116 degrees sets a new record, the Associated Press reports: About

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation.

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what

Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game.

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

two Old Ladies Were Outside Their Nursing Home, Having A Smoke, When It Started To Rain. One Of The

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years and in the back forty it had a nice pond,

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's

"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina. "Fifty years," Grandma

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their

An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium. This element has no protons or electrons,

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

Four older men stand on the first tee. Just as Ralph is about to hit his tee shot, a funeral procession

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells

A reporter was doing a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused,

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out

Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends

*Juan the Smuggler* Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" asked the interviewer. "Yes,

An old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have

Ben and Haley had gotten up in years, and their memories weren't quite what they used to be. They

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered

In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer

A couple of pals had the following conversation recently: "Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?" "Yes,

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your

A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't